Humorous Fake Patch Notes!

Summoners Schadoodle and Schadadle posted a humorous rendition of upcoming patch notes. Just thought I would share these rather than the other fan submissions you've already seen on the newly released summoners showcase. I stress again, these are purely for humor; only a fool would take them for truth!

"New Skins in the Store
• Duck Anivia
• Plushy Teemo
• Plushy Kog’Maw
• Marshmellow Malphite

PVP.Net v 1.23.60
• All your RP and IP has been confiscated to bail Phreak out of jail. (Hey… we’re in a recession)
• All your friends have been deleted.
• Your wins, losses, and leaves have been switched around randomly.
• Fixed a bug where you would be queued with people with the same ELO as yourself.

Akali
• Her energy has been changed to mana. She still has a max of 200.
• Twilight Shroud now gives enemy champions stealth as well.

Alistar
• Pulverize now slams enemies into the ground instead of into the air.
• From the torque generated by pulverize, Alistar is now thrown into the air.
• Unbreakable Will now causes Alistar to take 75% more damage.
• Headbutt has been changed to Rocket Grab.

Amumu
• Amumu is now happy.
• Amumu’s skillset has been traded with Evelynn’s.

Anivia
• Anivia is now a male.
• Anivia now grants enemies kills when she turns into her egg and again when her egg is destroyed.
• Anivia’s wall is no longer impassable.

Annie
• Tibbers has been turned into a duck.
• Disintegrate now costs double the mana if it deals a killing blow.
• Pyromania now stuns the champion with the highest damage on your team as well as your target.

Ashe
• Volley now has a shotgun effect and damages your teammates as well.
• Focus now heals her target for 3% of the damage dealt for every 3 seconds out of combat. Is not removed after the next attack.

Blitzcrank
• Rocket Grab has been changed to Headbutt.
• Blitzcrank now giggles whenever he uses Power Fist.
• Static Field now damages allies.

Cho’Gath
• Cho’Gath now starts the game the same size as if he had 6 feasts.
• Feast still increases Cho’Gath’s size.
• Feast size gain has been reverted to how it was 8 months ago.
• Cho’Gath can still hide in bushes at 6 feasts.

Corki
• Phosphorus Bomb now stuns enemies.
• Valkarie is now global.
• Gataling Gun now heals teammates as well as damaging enemies.
• Corki can now fly over obstacles without using Valkarie.
• Corki now dies upon the use of any ability.

Dr. Mundo
• Now has mana.
• None of his abilities cost mana.

Evelynn
• Skillset has been traded with Amumu.
• Is now a man.

Ezreal
• Sight range has been reduced to 50.
• Now needs a map.
• All skill shots will now be casted in a random direction regardless of where you aim.

Fiddlesticks
• Crowstorm now fears all enemies caught in the area of effect.
• Fear duration has been increased to 10 seconds.
• Drain now heals a random member of the opposing team.
• The fear effect now grants the target 50% lifesteal and 50% spell vamp.
• The fear effect no longer causes enemies to run around aimlessly.

Galio
• Relosute Smite no longer does damage.
• Bulwark now stuns the target.
• Righteous Gust no longer has such a stupid name.
• Idol of Durand now affects allies as well as enemies.

Gangplank
• Parrrley now stuns Gangplank for 3 seconds.
• Raise Morale can now be used on Allied Champions.
• The Cannon Barage crew has been given free booze by Gragas and will no longer shoot at the area designated. Just to mess with you.

Garen
• Garen now dies upon entering a bush.

Gragas
• Gragas will no longer walk in a straight line.
• If used at a close enough proximity, body slam will now envelope the target in Gragas’s fat and will remain there for the rest of the game.

Heimerdinger
• Hextech Micro-Rockets now stun.
• Hextech Micro-Rockets are now global.
• Hextech Micro-Rockets AP ratio increased from .55 to 1.2.
• Hextech Micro-Rockets now prioritize allied chamipions.

Irelia
• For every point of damage Irelia deals to her target, her nearest ally takes two.

Janna
• Janna has been turned into a male.
• Janna’s speed has been capped at 200.
• Howling Gale no longer flies in the direction designated.

Jax
• Jax can no longer dodge.
• Jax’s lamppost has been deemed overpowered and replaced by a rocket launcher.
• All of Jax’s abilities are now ranged and blow things up.
• Jax can now dodge again.

Karthus
• Requiem now heals all enemy targets.
• Karthus’s lay waste now affects teammates.

Kassadin
• Kassadin no longer has mana.
• All his abilities still require mana.

Katarina
• Katarina now has mana.
• All her abilities now require energy.

Kayle
• Intervention now shields the ally with the greatest combination of health, armor, and magic resist no matter who she targets.

Nasus
• Nasus’s voice has been replaced by Shurelia’s."

Check out the Summoenrs Showcase #22 below.